It was June 16th 1995 when I was told by my doctors to “go home and get your affairs in order.” I called them out on it….that they were “giving up on me.” I felt betrayed because I heard, “Go home and die.”
They assured me that they weren’t giving up, but I knew that they were resigned to me following the same path of so many of my brothers and sisters at that horrific time in the mid 90’s, when practically everyone diagnosed with HIV/AIDS was dying. I wasn’t ready. I had more to do with my life. I had not made a difference yet. So, I slammed my hand on the desk and exclaimed, “NO, Doctor! That is NOT going to be my story!” I was scared and hurt. But mostly, I finally got mad. Now, thankfully, I recognize that I needed their ignorant attempt at compassion as fuel for my tipping point to reclaim control of my own life. To take my power back. And, to finally STAND UP 4 MY OWN HEALTH! Not give that sacred responsibility away to another, simply because he wears a white coat.
I was emotionally exhausted from living in FEAR and the fight or flight response of survival mode for so long. So, when I left the NYC doctors’ office, and headed home, I dragged myself into Grace Church on 10th & Broadway. I went in and fell to my knees in the most beautiful pool of brightly colored stained glass light I’ve ever seen. The sunlight streamed through the huge Rosary window that faces West…..and I surrendered. Everything.
My “contract” with Source, The Divine, All That Is, God, The Universe, Absolute Consciousness (I, personally have no need to label) went something like this…
“Please take me now, if that is your will. Don’t make me suffer anymore, for I have walked my path with fear long enough (7 yrs already at that point). But, what a waste of a life that would be. Don’t you think, God? I’m ready to GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY and do the work. I want to give back to others, to help them on their paths. Please, give me the health, strength and energy to become The Light and step into the darkness to illuminate their hearts so that they don’t have to suffer in fear and isolation as I have for so long. Let me use this life for good. I will use this second chance to do more good in this world and not fail you nor myself.”
Needless to say, I was a tearful, snotty mess. When I walked out of the church, I stopped at the doors, turned and pointed up at the cross looming heavy over the altar and said, “Oh, and please give me a clue as to what I’m supposed to do. Don’t make it a riddle. Don’t send a butterfly or dove as my sign. I need a clear indication that I’ve been heard and I need it to be something like a piano hitting me over the head, so that I can move forward with 100% conviction.”
Be careful what you wish for…
I won’t go into exactly what happened two nights later in detail, but suffice to say at first, I thought I was dying. I had a full-blown near death experience. Quickly, thankfully, followed by an other-worldly spontaneous Kundalini Awakening (I had no idea at the time what that even was). I held that pure vibration of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, GRATITUDE, AWE, BLISS and EUPHORIA…..for 4 weeks. Living behind the veil for those 4 weeks was extraordinary, to say the least.
And so, my journey had begun.
From that defining moment on, it became my life’s mission to stand up for my own health and live life as a THRIVER. That grew into my passion to help others do the same, which has culminated in my search for The Light to illuminate the path for those stuck in darkness. To be the light for healthy living.My whisper has turned into a roar.